Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to HBO. Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson has been a very busy man since turning to film in 2001 and his latest project will be a full TV series for the aforementioned channel.
Ballers, produced by Mark Wahlberg, features Dwayne plays Spencer Strassmore, an ex-football legend trying to make the career leap into management. The result looks like a cross between Jerry McGuire & Wolf of Wall Street and has been gaining a lot of excitement since its trailer release.
Undoubtedly, Dwayne Johnson has been the most prolific actor/wrestler in recent years with varying degrees of quality (For every Fast Five, there’s The Tooth Fairy). Some may argue he has been the most successful, but there is a long list of other wrestling stars, big and small, who have tried their hand at breaking into the movies and it’s easy to see why; half of their job is acting and they’re in as good a shape as any action star.
So, I’d like to take a moment to congratulate and commiserate some of the best and worst performances put in by pro-wrestlers in film;
The Faces
- Bautista – Guardians of the Galaxy
Having previously only featured in unmemorable roles in films like Riddick and The Man with the Iron Fist, David Bautista was perhaps a unconventional choice for a Marvel blockbuster. The gamble fortunately paid off as Bautista’s portrayal of Drax the Destroyer, an alien tough guy from a race that always takes things literally, was a highlight for fans of the franchise.
Though it seems easy enough for a wrestler to play a tough guy, Drax is a multi-layered character with a touching back story and elements of comedy that could have easily come across as corny in the wrong hands. Bautista’s performance of this character was fantastic and he seems to be taking to the world of acting very well. In his own words, Guardians was a very enjoyable film to make and James Gunn allowed for a lot of room for improvisation and for actors to work off each other. He is listed to be in the next James Bond film and even rumoured to be the Kurgan in the Highlander remake. I hope this isn’t a flash in the pan for Bautista as he has the potential to break into Hollywood in a way that wrestlers rarely get to do.
- Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura – Predator
Wrestler-cumactor-cum-Governor of Minnesota Jessie Ventura put in an exceptionally realistic performance in Predator as Blain, a Special Forces weapons expert and sexual tyrannosaurus. This could be due to the fact that he is actually an ex-Navy Seals and fought in the Vietnam War. Reportedly, he “breezed” through the film’s boot camp and all he could say for his co-stars is that, although he would film a movie with them, he would not go to war with them.
Whatever the reason, Jesse gives a stellar performance as a tobacco chewing badass who has no love for authority and wonderfully conveys the sense of comradery between brothers-in-arms. The relationship between himself and Poncho is a highlight for me. It also helps that he gets the best lines and has Ol’ Painless as his co-star.
- Lenny Montana – The Godfather
Lenny Montana, born Lenny Passafaro, wrestled between the early fifties and mid sixties before he became a senior enforcer for the Colombo crime family. It was in this capacity that he became involved in the film The Godfather. As the film was facing heavy opposition from the Italian-American Civil Rights League and many senior figures in the organised crime world, the filming process was under close observation from the Colombo family and others of that ilk. When Francis Ford Coppola was introduced to this towering man, he had to cast him as Luca Brasi, the Corleone family’s head enforcer.
Admittedly, this is a very short role in the film, but Montana’s endearing qualities made it an unforgettable one. Reportedly, he was so nervous about acting alongside Marlon Brando that he would constantly repeat his lines as he was pacing about backstage. When the script writers saw this, they immediately wrote it into the role. He then famously fluffs the line in front of Brando but instead of reshooting Coppola decided to keep that cut as it fit in so well with the character.
Though not a famous wrestler, and by no means a famous actor, Montana took a bit part and added dimensions to it. Even though he wasn’t particularly great at acting and wouldn’t go on to do any other films of repute, what he brought to the Godfather is a fantastic achievement no matter how you look at it.
The World Champion
- Andre The Giant – Princess Bride
If ever there was a role and performer that were made for each other, it would be Andre Roussimoff playing the role of Fezzik, the loveable giant who loves to rhyme. I love this film. I think it has just the right amount of humour, suspense and fantasy to make it a classic and Andre’s performance is one of the main ingredients to its wonderfulness. Andre’s sheer size alone makes him perfect for the role. You can’t help but be reminded of how big a man he was.
Despite the rough exterior, you will be endeared to this gentle giant and every facet of Andre’s performance adds to this. From his warm smile to his deep booming, mildly incomprehensible voice, it all makes you warm to the character even when he’s initially meant to be a villain and makes for a hilarious scene where he is pushed down a hill in a wheelbarrow in a flaming cloak.
Andre himself was universally loved by his fellow performers. Cary Elwes described him as one of the kindest men he ever knew; he had no issue with divulging the most personal details of his life story and never failed to have a smile on his face backstage. This is made even more remarkable by the fact that he was in constant pain during the filmmaking process; an unfortunate complication of his untreated gigantism (leading to unopposed growth of his long bones and severe degradation of multiple joints) mixed with the years of punishment his joints took during his wrestling career. He could barely do any of his stunt scenes due to pain, even the scene where he catches the female protagonist had to be done with cables.
Despite putting himself through this pain, reportedly filming Princess Bride was one of the happiest periods of Andre’s life. He felt that when he was making the movie no one was staring at him like he was a freak or an outsider; he was just one of the actors. Princess Bride would remain his favourite movie that he appeared in and unfortunately his last before he passed away (he had one more posthumous appearance where he played a circus giant). His warmth and kindness shone through in his acting and no one could have done a better job at portraying Fezzik. In my eyes, he has all other challengers out for the count.
The heels
- Hulk Hogan – Santa with Muscles
Hulk Hogan may be one of the biggest personalities to grace pro-wrestling, but boy, was he one for trying to cash in on his fame with utter dreck. This bewildering piece of story-telling sounds like a fever dream mixed with all that is horrible about the commercialism of Christmas. Hulk Hogan is an evil millionaire who apparently enjoys nothing more than driving around in his humvee, dressed in camo blowing stuff up. In order to evade pursuing police officers, who are firing rocket launchers at him, he runs into a mall, beats up the mall’s Santa and then dresses up as him. He then gets bonked on the head by some novelty Christmas decorations, gets amnesia and believes himself to be Santa…with muscles.
Everything about this is a car crash: the uninspired name, the horrible acting and even worse special effects. It makes it even sadder that the infinitely less crap Jingle All The Way came out the same year, featuring another famous action hero takes on Christmas, to really put the nail in the coffin of the Hulkster’s film career.
- “Rowdy” Roddy Piper – Hell Comes to Frogtown
Now just to get this straight, I think They Live is a fantastic movie. The idea is inspired and well executed. It’s another Carpenter classic. What I do not think is fantastic about They Live is “Rowdy” Roddy Piper’s acting. Now imagine the Piper putting in that sort of performance in a terrible film. It gives us this odious cocktail of disaster, Hell Comes to Frogtown.
Making a film where Piper is one of the few fertile men alive sent on a mission to save fertile women from murderous frog mutants so he can repopulate the earth, with the ever looming threat that the government will blow up his gnads if he tries to run, was admittedly a bold move. However, the results are comically terrible and the plot is so ludicrous that it is a hilarious watch regardless.
- Hulk Hogan – Mr Nanny
This has to get a mention for being the granddaddy of all the ‘tough- guy has to do something not normally associated with tough guys’ genre. Hulk Hogan plays an ex-wrestler who is down on his luck (I wonder how he researched for this role) and has to take a job as a bodyguard for a rich Ministry of Defence type chap. His job, much to his surprise and dismay, is to look after his kids, who love to prank their nannies. There is also a convoluted plot about a man with a steel plate in his skull who wants to get at the defence guy and is inexplicably entangled with Hogan’s bitter past.
Now, I have to say I begrudgingly put this in the bad pile because I have actual fond memories of watching it as a child. I was super into Hulkamania when I first watched it and even though it is definitely a bad movie, on further re-watching when I was older I don’t think Hogan’s performance is half-bad. There are bits that made me laugh and the sight of Hulk Hogan in a tutu will never leave my nightmares.
It won’t be the first time I’ve been accused of having a bad taste in movies, so I’ll gladly say I enjoyed this film. It stays in the heels list mostly for the horrible precedence it set for further films of a similar ilk (see the Pacifier, the Tooth Fairy andthe Chaperone).
The Jobber
- Paul ’the Big Show‘ Wight – Knucklehead
While the rest of the films in this list are all bad films with questionable performances by the leads, they maintain an element of fun to them, whether that be because they are so out there they become cult films or that they are so bad that it is hilarious. They all have something that you can take away from them.
Knucklehead is neither of these things. It is a train wreck; a misguided and misjudged “feel-good” comedy which manages to come across as offensive to people from all walks of life. The Big Show plays a (potentially mentally challenged?) tall orphan who is exploited by an unscrupulous fight agent. The results are a horrifying ensemble of bad slapstick and fart jokes.
It’s like the creators of this saw that Simple Jack, the fake movie within Tropic Thunder and thought “wow, let’s make that before anyone else gets the idea”. It’s a real shame, partly because the Big Show seems like a likeable guy and has had cameos in good movies before (the utterly incredible MacGruber). Hopefully he can find a vehicle for that doesn’t require him to take a dump on a bus without a toilet door.
Auteurs' Hors D'oeuvres 
